I’ve been hurt, But I’ve overcome. I’ve experienced more trauma than I can explain but I will try. Let me start by introducing myself. I am Cee. I am nurse. My dream has always been to work in healthcare and help improve the lives of others. I enjoy encouraging others who’ve experienced the same trauma as I have or be able to be a listening ear at all times. I was once afraid to share my story but I believe that God kept me for this exact reason. He allowed me the opportunity to share my story and help others overcome their battle so here goes nothing!

It all started when I was facing a rough time with an ex. We had just broke up and I was trying very hard to make the relationship work when God kept trying to get me to see there was no fixing it. I kept receiving signs from God to walk away but I Ignored every sign. I remember specifically asking God to show me a sign and he did. I had a dream that night of doors constantly closing in my face from me chasing him and the only way to open the doors was with a key that only my ex had access to. That next morning me and my ex talked and tried to gain an understanding, long story short I went home after our chat and tried to unlock my house door but I used the wrong key, they key ended up getting jammed in the door and broke off. I immediately started crying because all I could think of was how God was showing me that I can’t force a key in a door that I don’t have access to. I no longer had access to my ex but I kept trying to force it. In that process of me trying to force a friendship hoping for a relationship, he got comfortable with me begging him to the point he took advantage of me. He knew I would do anything for him and anything for our friendship. I questioned myself , I questioned why I stayed so long and why I cared so much? All while questioning I never quit. It got to the point where my ex began talking to someone else and I knew about it but I was still fighting for his love. I tried everything to compete with the new girl. I tried out dressing her , changing things about myself that would maybe spark a new interest. I tried not calling for hours even days at a time, but that only hurt me. It seemed he didn’t care. Things then started to get interesting. He would call me and ask me to do things for him such as clean his house or do his homework and I was so blind in love I was willing to help with anything he asked. I was willing to be the “side chick”. I cried over and over from wanting to be his choice. I finally got tired. I told my ex I could no longer do this , that’s when it begin. I was beat like a child. It started with a belt to my backside. I had never felt so dehumanized in my life. All I could think was I’m a grown a** woman getting a whooping. I didn’t do anything wrong. But it didn’t stop there. A punch to my left rib. It’s like the breath had left my body. This couldn’t be real this can’t be love. I instantly wanted to leave but I was trapped. I couldn’t leave until he gave me permission. It’s like he owned me. A couple days go by and I’m trying to figure out how to get over him and he calls. I answer and get sucked in like a straw. We meet up at a gas station just to see one another and then boom…….. a punch in the jaw. He hops out of the car and drives away.. 2 hours later he calls me and acts like nothing happened. He says he hates being disrespected and that he does not like a woman who doesn’t listen. So I apologize and tell him that I will do better and I will be better. Still not knowing what exactly I did so wrong. At this point I’m afraid of him but also, too afraid to leave the situation…..

PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Years go by and I’ve moved on completely, but my past would still seem to follow me .

I had nightmares every night afraid of going to sleep because what I would be reminded of. My anxiety had increased , my depression started to return. I made up in my mind I needed to seek help outside of myself

I called a local psychiatrist office and inquired about being seen ….

I had an appointment the next day. I spoke with a counselor and we discussed everything from the beginning of time.

She then mentioned she thought I may have P.T.S.D based off of what I had told her

She set me up with another therapist whom got me in with a psychiatrist. It was official I was diagnosed- POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

I was afraid , I had never been diagnosed with anything let alone a huge mental diagnosis .

I was angry ! I was embarrassed. This is a joke right ? Me ? PTSD!! I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was taking medication or had a diagnosis of anxiety. The stigma that comes behind having a mental disorder is scary . I didn’t want to be in that category.(BUT ITS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK)

I was told the following week that my anxiety and nightmares may had been triggered by the adjustments I had been facing with COVID-19. SN: I don’t adjust well with change . This may have just been a bit much on me and it is perfectly normal.

It’s been 4 months since I’ve been diagnosed and I’m doing 100x better. I feel better and haven’t been more excited to tell my Story !

Please DONT be ashamed of your TRUTH!

I stayed in that way too long .. I get asked why didn’t I leave or why didn’t I tell anyone ?

At the time I honestly felt like I couldn’t leave . I was so in love and really thought that I was the cause of all the issues that we dealt with. I apologized over and over for him hurting me.

I felt like he did no wrong and that I made him this way. I wasn’t good enough. I only wanted to be better for him.

I stayed because he fed me lies . I stayed because he told me no one would ever love me like him , or no one would ever want to date me. I had been called every name in the book and was afraid to stand up for myself .

Did I ever try to leave ? I did! I tried to fight back I tried to scream , but it seemed like no noise was coming out ! I was MUTE!

I had gotten so sick of the abuse but my emotions were tied to him. I was so afraid of him that if I saw a car that looked like his I would vomit. If I drove on the same street that he lived on I would cry. I was afraid to move on , as bad as I wanted out I was afraid of the unknown. I didn’t know what he was capable of but I knew what he had already done to me and I was sure it could get much worse.

I wanted out but I didn’t want him to hurt me by trying to leave . No one knew what I was going through . I was so worried about what people would think or do if they found out. I was so afraid so I stayed and just hoped that it would eventually end !

But the only way for it to end was for me to END it !